Tanzanian Days

January 2, 2010 10:57pm

They say that depression is the disease of the privileged, and I have begun to understand why. I do see depression effecting people in my village, women who have lost child after child unable to find happiness in anything anymore. Men whose farms have failed for so many years it is hard to muster the strength to plant another crop and wait again for rains that will not come.

But the expectations and judgments that we Americans put on ourselves fall away, too. I came to this country probably a pretty typical American, concerned with my looks, my weight, my skin, my hair, my cleanliness. But these things I have no control over now. At first the weight gain bothered me, when I had the rare chance to see myself in a mirror I was horrified by how I was changing and desperate to find a way to lose weight and get 'in shape'. But I have realized, over time, I just have no control over it. I cannot control when or what I eat on most days.

My skin has plagued me since about a month into country, breaking out into a strange rash that has not really gone away for the 6 months of service until now. I hated it - not wanting to come out - trying to put the little bit of make-up I brought over it, and hating the very un-sensitive comments that I got daily from every Tanzanian I met ('Hi, my name is __ . What is wrong with your face?' - I'm not exaggerating. . ) But I have come to understand there is nothing I can do about it. So it doesn't bother me.

I am getting fatter. My skin is plagued by some strange rash. I am often late, or early and waiting for hours. When there is no water, I cannot shower. Or when I run out of conditioner, which they don't sell in this country. My hair is often stringy, oily, and dirty. I have no control over these things so they are no longer stressful for me. I have to accept them, and everyone in this country accepts them. There are so many things that you do not have control over, even as simple as food and water. Sometimes they are there, sometimes they are not.

The less control you have over your world the less you feel like it is your personal responsibility to make it perfect.

The sociologists are right.

I hope you all had a great Christmas and New Years. :-)